Butt Sprayers

As our shuttle bus rolled lazily through the heat to the arrivals gate, Tony rubbed his hands together. It was an anticipatory move and I thought he was going to start in again about olives. "Oh, man," he had been lisping through a mouthful of drool for the week before we returned to Oman. "Olives. I can't wait!" And sure enough he couldn't wait. Buying olives was his first official act once we had set our bags down in the Marble Mansion.




But no, it turned out that his hand rubbing this time was about something entirely different. "Butt sprayers!" he announced, in this shuttle full of jet lagged Brits who, it appeared, were being drawn back to Oman against their individual wills. "We are back in the land of butt sprayers!" Tian gave an excited little yelp and then a squeal,. "Yay! Butt sprayers!"


Each of our five bathrooms is equipped with a little spray nozzle, somewhat similar to the spray nozzles you find on most North Americans' kitchen sinks, which is nestled in there right next to the toilet. After, well, you know, you have two options for clean up--the conventional toilet paper, or that little, high-powered butt sprayer. I suppose you can guess the road that some of us head down when clean up is required.


What's more, public facilities are always equipped with butt sprayers, which rids one of the need to shower at home. If required, one can always shower in any toilet, as we recently discovered thanks to Tony.

We are currently struggling with being a one car family in a spoiled American sort of way. That is, we don't really need a second car here. After all, we have already survived one whole year with nothing more than one little Kia Rio to get us across hill and dale. As a matter of fact we have taken to calling it the Kia Rio 4x4 in the hopes that it will never realize it is just an itty bitty sedan and NOT the Ford Expediton we treat it like (and wish we had).

As we struggle with our thoroughly Yankee longings, Tony has been musing upon other transportation options in which he could invest in order to stave off his burning desire for nothing less than a big, fiery 4x4. Motorcycle has crossed his mind but, as it is 1117 degrees at noonday, and the heat would probably erode the tires in three hours, I am saying no to that one. A second itty bitty car would be so redundant. That leaves us with a bike, which is like slapping a big sign on your back that says, "Kill me now, but if I make it to work in one piece, just fire me for being so sweaty and stinky." (As if you could fit that all on one sheet of A4).


When I pointed this out, Tony said, "Oh. no, I could shower with the butt sprayer. All the guys do it before prayer time. Haven't you ever noticed how the floors are covered in an inch of water after prayer time?"


The women, I think, tend to be a bit more conservative with the pre-prayer water use than the boys. "Is this cause they're showering after their bike rides?"


"No, because they are washing for prayers. But the boys do more than wash. I think they are showering in there. I could do that--just get to work and use the butt sprayer. I would just have to be careful with the nozzle. You know..." And here Tony trailed off without explaining what I know, thanks to a graphic friend, but Silas had to ask.


"Why do you have to be careful?"

"Because what do butt sprayers spray, Silas?"


Okay, I will stop here to say that, in spite of my best efforts over the last year, Silas fails to notice the obvious 9.9 times out of ten. "I don't know, Dad," he replied. "What?"


At this, Tony launched into a very detailed verbal illustration of how one uses a butt sprayer and where one should aim it to make it work most effectively. He went on to discuss angles, measurements, possible contaminents and to generally educate all of us on butt sprayer use and etiquette. I was enlightened. Silas remained perplexed. Tian and Tehva nearly gave Tony a standing ovation right there in the back seat of the Rio 4x4.

So that conversation left us no closer to investing in a second vehicle, as was the original intent, but I think it placed us all a little closer to wondering why Tony knows what he does about the ins and outs of butt sprayers.